New Year's Eve

Spending New Year's Eve alone. I had hoped to go to his house with another couple and at least be in the same room as him to ring in the new year. We spent a wonderful Chistmas Eve together and a a few days in between. Everything was going great and then we had a very boozy day out. We met his wife late in the day.

My behaviour with him was flirtatious throughout. I kept touching him in front of his wife. I got so drunk I made a complete ass of myself. Listening to my list of crimes I can't even comphrehend what I was thinking or going trough my mind.

Apparently I was falling down drunk and completely crazy. Miraculously she still doesn't suspect. But we can't risk another encounter like that. Or rather he can't. He doesn't want a divorce and his life ruined.

So while everyone else is counting down the New Year I am home alone. He came over today and all is forgotten he said. But then he wanted sex.

I think he understands more than me my mind and that I have a harder time than him compartmentalising my relationships. He is my boyfriend and I want everyone to know.

But to him I am still number 2. It is easy to say my NY resolution is to end it and get a new boyfriend. I looked at my dating inbox and it doesn't hold much promise.

In fact it is depressing. I am attractive, healthy, well to do and outwordly have a lot going for me. Tonight I cried that year after year nothing is changing.

A friend of mine called me to cry on my shoulder that her recent boyfriend turned out to be a fraud. Completely. Married for a start. He was supposed to be a weathly singleton. She never even cared about the money. But his disappearances when he was supposedly out of the country on business he was playing the dutiful husband and father.

The fact that Mark can cheat so blantantly on his wife and take so many chances and then tell me he loves her "deeply" in next breath makes me hate him.

I think it was hate that inspired me to behave so badly that night.

Hope and desperation are the reasons he is still in my life.