Two weeks

I took the morning off work today and saw Loverboy for a bit of fun and games before he flies off to Thailand for his friend's wedding. It was great to see him and have some steamy sex. But I felt empty. The protection mechanism kicked in and is firmly in place, working well. I don't feel consumed by this affair or even like I will miss him. With two weeks to myself I want to use the tme wisely and make myself stronger, better and more in control. I can't afford to jepordise my self-esteem. I need to do all I can keep it healthy.

Numb

My jealous pang has eased off a bit. I think it was the whole couple thing with all weddings, anniversaries were an unwelcome reminder that it has been 6 years since my last boyfriend. To make matters worse my history of relationships has been crap. The last boyfriend was always saying, "I'm not in love with you, but you will do until somebody more my type comes into my life". It lasted 7 years. We saw each other at weekends when boredom would unite us. Sex was rare and equally boring.

There was only one serious relationship that could have seen me walking down the isle. That ended 20 years ago. He got into drugs and went as low as anyone could go. Cheated on me with strippers. Eventually he was stealing from friends, sleeping rough and knocked up a crack whore. Luckily I was long gone.

I wonder if that is what happens in a lot of relationships except not as extreme. One spouse moves up the scale and the other falls behind and gets fat.

Loverboy called at 11 pm last night drunk and in a bar. I noted that for 5 nights in a row he and his wife had conflicting plans each evening. Both of them work full time and clearly they don't spend much time with each other. He was getting ready to leave and wanted to know if he could stop by on the way home. "I have to see you", he said. "I have been thinking about you all day. I just want to see your face and hold you. God you sound sexy. "What are you wearing?".

He sounded disappointed when I said I was wearing just a pair of panties. "What no bra?" Bras don't feel comfortable as a sleeping garment. I was sleeping alone. I tried to explain but the bar was too noisy. He asked me to leave the hallway light on. I freshened myself up and checked that my home was tidy. I opened my lingere draw and slipped on a white baby doll top to match the panties. I went back to bed. He wouldn't be arriving for at least an hour and I am sure he would find away of waking me.

He loved the baby doll and in particular the panties. His colour is 'white' as he likes me to look pure and feminine. We kissed breifly before he pushed me back down on the bed and spread my legs. His fingers pushed my panties to one side as he fingered my clit and then slid his fingers in. Conversation was brief. He was here to pleasure me and make me moan. He reached into my toy box for my toys and started fucking me with one. He ordered me to get on all fours. I did as he asked knowing what would come next. He doesn't view fucking me with toys to be 'cheating' and it is also his fetish. I let out a moan as he inserted a large vibrator into my ass. I already had one in my pussy and being fucked by the two together was quite intense.

I came quite quickly. Instead of letting up he kept fucking me harder and faster varying his strokes and exploring my holes determined to make me come again and again. Occasionaly it became too intense and quite uncomfortable and I would let out a moan but mostly I moaned with pleasure. Wave after wave of pleasure. Mark loves playing with toys and was in his element.

After about an hour Talk about your previous relationships and make him feel a little bit of pain so he will think of them as rivals and try to prove himself superior.y had to go home to his wife and I was exhausted. Loverboy talked about wanting me to fuck him up the ass again but said it would have to wait for when he has more time. He didn't want to remove his clothes and go home with strange smells on him. This visit was all about me submitting myself to him.

I kept the conversation clear of my insecurities. Well I tried. I did make a comment about their 'romantic vacation'. The pictured of the bedroom cottage with its pretty thatched roof and four poster bed with beautiful white linen and sheer curtains blowing in the tropical breeze was stuck in my head. I've never been to a wedding. But I imagine that they are incredibly romantic and that romance is as infectious as sars. Everyone all talking about love, happiness with the champagne flowing and imaging a better future as a twosome.

"It is not a romantic vacation. We are only going because friends of ours are getting married." Sternly put words but, I reminded myself that he said just recently that he very much loves his wife. Just the day before he said again that he does not want to get divorced. How could he resist not getting swept up in the romance? They are the couple that everyone looks up to. You know the good looking, happy couple, ten years down the line with the beautiful home, great car and luxury lifestyle? They are living the dream. They have what everyone else wants.

It is exactly what I want minus the cheating husband.

When he left I felt numb. I am seeing him again tomorrow. We both have the day off. I sense his feelings for me are getting stronger while my heart is firmly encased in a protective shell.

Losing the plot

I am feeling pangs of jealously again. After a nice Monday night spent with Loverboy being very tender and emotional with me I spoke to him on the phone last night and could hear the excitement in his voice as they prepare for their trip to Thailand. They are leaving this Saturday for two weeks. The hotel they are staying in is 4 star and pure luxury. The picture of the infinity pool with an ocean view was amazing (he sent a link).

It apartently co-incides with their 10 year wedding aniversary and if that wasn't enough the wedding and reception of one of their oldest and best friends is also taking place there. His wife is the made of honour and he is the best man. He also asked me to help write his speech.

He came over while his wife was shopping for new outfits and handed me a card for my birthday and had sex with me (my present).

Thinking of his secret life softens the blow. I can't think of anything worse than to be married to a man who cheats. The marriage and trust is all but an illusion. The soon to be bride and groom look to them as role models. There were references in the speech how they hope that they 'may be as happy as we are'. sic

I checked my online dating site this morning and made a date with a guy for next week. Exact day to be confirmed. Hard to tell from the picture whether I will be attracted to him or not. The sooner I get a boyfriend the sooner I can end it with Loverboy.

Part in desperation and in part curiousity I went to a BSDM meet and greet party. Was weird walking into a room full of single men and women and knowing the reason we are all here is because we all like 'kinky sex'. It is a wide spectrum to be sure. But it wasn't hard to pick out people that wore their sexuality on their sleeve. Dominent or submissive? Mild BSDM or Hardcore S&M?

I got chatted up quite a bit. One older guy seemed particularily smitten but I felt repulsed by some one so much older and craggier than myself or my current lover.

I kept this quiet. I want to scream in anger at him and frustration that I am single and the situation I am in. That he should be sharing his life with one women but claiming to be in love with me. That I should still be single and seeing him when I am smart, funny, beautiful, thin, cultured, polite and have so much to offer.

Of course the only consolation is that I would rather be this side of his marriage than the other. I would hate to be in her shoes. Better to be single and independent than being cheated on.

Message

Finally the silence broke. "Hello sex kitten, I am feeling very horny. Any chance you will be home later?" He then sent me a text about being in meetings and that he will call me tonight. Sounds promising. Looking forward to being tied up and have him do terrible things to me for a change. I wonder where his wife is tonight? I sent her an email about the 'voice mail' but she hasn't responded.

Suspence

Saturday morning I checked my answer machine and there on the call display was his wife's cell phone number but no message. I rang back and received no answer. I tried them on their home line and only got their answer machine. I didn't leave a message. The likely scenario is that she accidently activated her phone and it dialed my number. But it does raise another possibility.

That possibility is becoming increaingly worrying. Normally he calls me every morning after he leaves for work. This morning nothing. I am tempted to call him or at least send a text.

I don't dare for fear of the worst. If she does know or at least suspects my text message may confirms it. Better to sit tight.

Tried distracting myself by checking my inbox for my online dating profile. Depressing - 4 messages 2 a bit tatooed and 'oi mate', 1 in his 50's but could easily 'get on the bus for free' and the last one separated from a 22 year old marriage with 3 kids and looking to start life over. Poor guy looks like he has had his life sapped from him.

At least my career is on an upswing. I am about to accept a very prestigious post. It comes with an attractive salary. Not huge, but this will up my profile considerably in my industry. I sometimes wonder if my career is to blame for being single. I was watching Sex in the City where Miranda went speed dating as a partner in a law firm and got zero intrest until she said she was a 'trolly dolly'. Ping she got a date from a doctor. Ok he lied as well but she got laid.

Of course it never would have worked out. But it got me to wondering why and not for the first time. I always thought that if I became a high quality woman I would attract a high quality man. Again I not talking about money. I am no gold digger. What I want is an easy and pleasant life. I want travel, adventure, a comfortable home, warmth, security and to do something I enjoy and that makes a difference.

"Attracting and dating a beaultiful, educated and successful woman in not every guy's cup of tea. Unlike women with basic education, special skills are required to date these women."

The article above is certainly true for me, but I never knew these were special skills. I thought not using cheesey chat up lines and trying to get a woman to go back to yours on a first date applied to all women? I never realised these were rules that are unknown to men as they only apply to a very small sample and special classification of women, 'educated womean' only. Jeepers more argument for pro-education I say! Time to educate the men as well.

When a man goes out with a woman, he’s not as concerned with whether she’s articulate and on track to make partner at the law firm.

I've heard it said when a man works hard he is providing for his families future and is doing it for them. He wants to be a good provider and for them to have a good standard of living. It is no different for me. I wouldn't be able to afford my own home and be comfortable otherwise. The interesting point in this article is the application of a double standard. It suggests men see successful women as the opposite of easy and pleasant. The flip side of good character traits. They preceive that successful women will be more difficult and opinionated as well as put pressure on them to achieve even though those are the end goals for us as well.

An easy and a pleasant life. Who wouldn't want that?

It also is the same reason why men cheat rather than rock the boat. I just hope for all of us that the boat isn't rockng.

Lasting impression

The text messages yesterday told me everything. I was on his mind from the second he woke until he walked in the door of his marital home. The previous evenings activities left him wanting more and feeling very 'sexed up'. To use his words. He was also imagining where to take things next. So am I, hence I am still reading for ideas for next time. It also means that I will need to go shopping again for a few new toys.

Emotion?

I love it when a plan comes together. As soon as I arrived home I tidied up and ran the vacuum around. The scented candles were lit and I drew myself a nice hot bath adding some bathing salts. I love lying in the bath surrounded by my lotions and potions watching the steam rise up against the flickering candles. A glass of wine in the bath is marvelous.

I had a nice pampering session giving myself a facial, manicure, pedicure and skin treatment. The coconut and vanilla body lotion felt wonderful as it glided all over my body. I massaged it in slowly taking care around my pussy which was shaved completely as it tingled. Afterwwards I put on one of his favourite outfits and mine. I don't know what is about lingerie but I am addicted to dressing up for sex.

I went to bed to read from some of the books I purchased earlier. I let myself drift off to sleep a bit with the candles in the bedroom still lit. When I heard the key in the lock I laid still for him to come to me.

The sight that greeted him was met with approval. He told me how much he wanted to fall asleep with me in his arms. The sex was amazing. But what amazed me even more was how emotional and loving towards me he seemed. It would have been so nice to let myself go and fall in love. However firmly planted in my mind was that "He is a married man who will be going to home to his wife and their beautiful home. He is a liar, a cheater and a coward. Given the chance he would be just as disloyal to me. He is a dog. No matter what happens I deserve better."

I tried not to let him penatrate my heart and just focussed on our mutual pleasure. His image of being a good husband is nothing more than a sham.