I think I love you

I couldn't possibly love a cheater could I? Have I allowed myself to fall in love with a guy who sneaks around on his wife having trysts with me while his wife is slaving to keeep a nice home and have everything perfect?

I have heard his criticism of her and cringed. I heard him yelling at her and ordering her to go to bed so he could get me alone. She complained to me on more than one occasion that their sex life is non existent and he never touches her anymore despite her remaining fit and attractive.

I am wondering if he has OCPD? Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

I'll bet she doesn't get text messages saying, 'Good morning gorgeous' or 'Hi Sexy'. Ever stolen moment he can find is with me. We went for a long leisurely walk and lunch on Friday. No sex. Just talking and being friends. He has been feeling down about work lately and I have been there for a hug and a cuddle. He told me he wants us always to be friends and that he never wants to lose me.

I know this isn't the same thing as being marriage material. How could it be when I am his 'fun' buddy while his wife is slaving her ass off?

As his wife she is accountable to a much higher standard than me. My house is far less conventional and tidy. They both make good money but money is tightly controlled. In fact I am now being to expect that he is a bit of a control freak! I got a text message that because he walked home in the freezing cold the money he saved paid for his fish and chips!! He asked to borrow my travel card on the day I wasn't using it to save another £10? I don't even think of these things. He talks about their finances a lot.

Image is everything to him and he is very meticulous as to how he will look if it all comes out.

I know more about their financial status then I do them.

One minute I can feel myself falling in love with him and wishing there was something more. The next minute I am getting "danger danger"... and the urge to back away slowly.

When he doesn't leave

I have been reading your blog for awhile now. I am also seeing a married man and have been for 3 years now. He promised to leave his wife after 1 year but that was two years ago and he is now saying he can't leave because his kids are not 'robust' enough. I know he loves me. But it is hard knowing he shares a beautiful home, 2 kids and all the holiday with his wife playing happy families while I am left out in the cold. What should I do?

Dear Stuckpeg,
I do sympathize I really do. My own emotions are waxing and waning. Some days I find myself hoping for more and hoping LOverboy will leave but then I got into my relationship as just a temporary fling so that is unrealistic and I remind myself that.

• Don't pin your hopes on him - remind yourself of his faults including being a lying cheat!!


• Date other men - go to single events, sign up to Dinnerdates.com, internet dating and make youself available - Let him know he is not the only game in town


• Make plans for holidays - Do something outrageous like trying skydiving


• Beware the mind poo - don't think about him when he is not arround


• Don't try to guess his thoughts men who cheat are selfish by nature


• He lies to you and he lies to her so don't fall for his excuses


• Remind yourself that what he tells you about their relationship is not necessarily true


• Be independent and only see him when it suits you


• Be fabulous, sexy beautiful and unobtainable

Be funny, charming and light around him. Do not make demands of any kind and that includes asking him when he will leave his wife. Don't let your life revolve around his. Do as you please and let him to the chasing. Chasing him will make him retreat. By dating and living your own life he may feel you are slipping away and leave his wife. But he will only leave if he is ready to do so. You cannot change this. But by living your own life you will be less hurt and not feel as though your life is on hold. You may also meet some one more deserving of your love and end it of your own accord. He may not be totally happy in his marriage but married life still has a powerful hold on most men. It is usally the wife that starts the divorce process.

Lady Salacity

Grass is green and so is jealously

Loverboy and I have had a few more opportunities than usual and spoken to each other daily as well as seeing each other all but one day. A lot of our time is spent having sex. However we do a fair amount of talking. This week we met for a drink and rode home together in a taxi chatting away. I tell him about my dating progress, the old boyfriend that crawled out the woodwork, my work, what my plans are for the week, what his plans are for the week, things in the news, the weather and anything really.

Everything except his relationship with his wife. I don't ask. In part because I fear the answer. I suspect it is going well and things are good at the moment. All the signs are there. They are planning their vacations for this year. He is talking about his promotion and thinking to the future when they might be able to afford a bigger house.

We have no plans. The closest we have to a plan is date when he thinks his wife will be out. Nothing is certain. I have no plans. I would love a bigger house but I can't afford it on my own. I would love to travel but I hate the idea of travelling on my own. I have plans to out with friends but that is all part of my regular routine. When you are single and live alone you go out for the sake of going out. It is hardly a special occasion.

A special occasion for me was when he carried my bag of garbage down to the street for me. The grass is always greener....

Another Secret

After spending Friday evening and the weekend with Loverboy I feel closer to him than ever and judging by the amount of attention I have been getting and the things he has been saying it would be nice to conclude he feels the same way.

However men are better at prioritising logical thoughts over emotional thoughts better than women. It is far easier for a man to feel passionate love for one woman and a more respectful and stable love for another.

I may have him telling me he loves me and lusting over me all the time but the real battle for his heart hasn't even started.

Earlier Friday I had another date with a guy named Chris who works from home as a mortgage advisor. Sadly he wasn't as attractive as in his photo probably due to it being at least 5 years out of date. The conversation was ok but he just really wasn't my type and without the chemical spark I was left lusting after Loverboy again.

The weekend revolved all around sex as it often does. However I am actively encouraging him because the effects of capturing a man's interest through sex can never be underestimated. Sex is the most powerful weapon I have. The first rule is that every moment spent with me should be as pleasurable as possible. The second is to let him talk and open up. Reflective listing and meeting his emotional needs is the key to creating emotional dependence.

The secrets we share have broadened. I now know that he has spent money on a couple of items his wife would find frivolous even though he can afford it and they are worthwhile. This may seem small and petty but it is actually a huge step forward from being purely a sex toy to being his confidant and friend.

Reminder that divorce can be murder

I was watching the Any Fisher story. It was a quiet night in and there was bugger all else on TV. My Loverboy is no 'Buttafucco' and I am certainly not an 'Amy' but there were a few striking similarities.

Buttafucco (B) was being romantinc saying 'I love you' and paying Amy (A) all sorts of compliments while having no intention of leaving his wife.

If what I saw was true and actually did happen and not over fictionalised or skewed then it's interesting to analyse what the dynamics were.

B paged A whenever he had time and he was in the mood for 'sex'. Loverboy lets me know when he thinks there will be 'opportunities' and we plan around his availability. It is a loose arrangement because we never now how the opportunities will pan out. If his wife is going out with her friends for an evening we will pencil it in. But until the day comes and she actually leaves the house it could always be called off. Not to mention he needs to be back home and washed (removing any smells) before she gets home. This is a typical scenario.

B told A he loved and acted very romantically at times. I get this too. It is tough because I could let myself fall so easily in love. Sometimes I think I would love to have him to myself but I keep reminding myself that he can afford to let himself go and forget about her when he is with me and get carried away. I can't because when he gets up to go home to her it will hurt. If I remember his faults and that he is a lying cheating rat then I am more than happy to send him home with his dirty socks while I retire to my bath for long lingering soak in post orgasmic bliss.

Ok Amy was no innocent and I suppose she thought having an older married man after her was an ego boost. That much is true for me too.

But it isn't just Amy that turned to murder. Adultery has been one of the biggest reasons of domestic violence including murder and suicides. These two may seem like buffoons but the newspapers are full of stories of more sensible seeming people who went off the rails.

Last night Loverboy was saying how much he wanted to see to me and to caress me, running my fingers through my hair, smelling my perfume and to be able to spend the night with me and fall asleep with me in my arms... etc. etc. I reminded myself that these are cliches of typical romantic fantasies that everyone has and saying them makes the moment (and the sex) sweeter.

This is giving him a 'fix' nothing more. I am getting my fix too.

He wanted to take a chance and sneak off to my place without knowing how long his wife would be out for. I decided it wasn't worth the risk and made excuses.

Of course I got 'but I just want to see you and to hold your head in my arms'. I stuck to my firm no and we gave it a miss.

I read that there are three 'brains' the emotional brain, the thinking brain and the physical brain.

Ive added a new rule never go with your emotional brain.

Walking on the wild side

After the events of Sunday I had of expected his senses to have taken hold and slow things down. It's only been 3 months but he is as randy as ever if not more! I've been bombarded with pery texts and emails all escalating the kinky things we have been doing.

The only reason I allow it is because I enjoy it so much. I love our play time. But the nice normal man 'husband' is disappearing.

I fear he might disappear forever. He is getting a taste of some very forbidden fruit. What he and his wife have done sexually is not in the same league as us. Our play time lasts hours and he is now moving into the world of kinky sex if not BSDM more and more whether he knows it or not.

I am ecouraging it and loving it but sadly I doubt there is anyway back for him. He said our relationship will eventually end as he can't live two lives.

When the time comes he will probably find that his old life will no longer be enough. I sincerly hope not. I would miss the nice married man. It is what I hope for myself.

Writing on the wall that it won't work

When dating men always look at how they treat the women in their lives... their mother, their sister etc. as well as waitresses and staff.

Men will usually always treat authority figures well. But if they are having an affair their current wife/partner is the most important one to pay attention to...

How he treats them is eventually how he will treat you once the honeymoon period is over.

It is always good to have a mental checklist of the core traits that are important and not to excuse him if he doesn't have them. There are no excuses for bad behaviour. Mine are:

• Kindness


• Is he respectful?


• Empathy


• Trust
  
• Honour

Last night I walked up the pretty steps into their beautiful home for dinner. I was an invited guest of Loverboy and his wife.

It was a wake up call. Loverboy and his wife always seemed the perfect couple. But then the grass always looks greener on the other side...

Soon as wife stepped out of the room to get me a drink he was all over me. He dominated the conversationbarely letting his wife get a word in. He was mean to her and snapped at her several times. He had his hand down my top when she walked in the room I am sure she caught him.

I was shocked by this side to him. This is a man who has been telling me this is just a short term affair. He showed me the pictures of them in Thailand and kept his mouth shut when she said she looked fat and old in one. I knew what he was thinking.

I felt very ill at ease. Even in front of her he was very touchy and tactile with me. At one point he was stroking my new top and telling me he loved it and how pretty I looked. It was a pricey top I just bought the day before. I know for a fact how tight he is with his wife's clothing budget.

Towards the end of the evening I was more than ready to leave. He didn't want me to leave. His wife was falling asleep and kept closing her eyes. Loverboy suggested she go to bed. I knew his wife didn't want to go to bed while I was still sitting next to her husband. I said I was leaving and started to get up. Loverboy glarred at me and told me to stay and finish my drink.

Loverboy shouted at her to go to bed and he would follow in 5 minutes. After witnessing his behaviour I was curious to find out if the 'bit of fun' was in fact becoming more serious and whether he was now contemplating leaving his wife for me.

Despite his behaviour I got a resolute 'this is going to end some time, I can't lead two lives'... in the next breath he was telling me how badly he wanted to hold me all night and cuddle up beside me on my bed and how he hates leaving me when he visits. His tendernous and emotional out pourings didn't last long before he was vigoursly fucking me. He then asked me to suck him off
Of course I should have told him where to go but I didn't.

Why men leave.

Everyone knows the saying "men never leave". Then then there is the book "why men leave" plus the divorce rate. Clearly men do leave. Sometimes at least.

With the cheaters it is the minority who leave.

Divorce is almost always initiated by the wife. If he got caught then chances are the choice would be out of his hands. The stigma of being outed as the 'other woman' is not a label I want, so I too am happy to maintain the status quo. I hope that his marriage will break down and he will leave of his own accord.

I've been looking into the reasons why men do leave and what I can do to tip the scales in favour of me:

• My income needs to be better than hers to create financial incentive (house value etc)


• I need to be in better shape - more feminine, more healthy


• I need to be more nurturing, supportive, loving and kinder (more deserving of love)


• Tune my hobbies to be of more interest to him


• Better home maker


• Offer him higher social status

5 hours a good sign

The email arrived at 1 pm yesterday. I hesitated before opening it and poured myself a glass of wine. It was lunch. Two weeks of sun and an infinity pool may have worked love-magic. They could be loved up again while I was to be shoved away. Perhaps he missed me even more or perhaps just the sex?

Most people prefer the devil they know to uncertainty. It is very unlikely he will ever leave his wife. Most divorces are initiated by the wife. The email revealed the affair is still very much on.

Hi Beautiful.... can't wait to see you again... I had an amazing time and I am missing you....

5 hours had elapsed between the email and the plane landing. This was a great sign. A considering my arsonal of contact lenses, books, DVDs, new lingere, bedroom decor and the oxytocin ready for another round of the game.

This morning I ran into his wife in the shop and asked her how her holiday in Thailand was she said it was 'ok'. She didn't sound as though she enjoyed it much. It would be too much wishful thinking to take that as proof that there marriage is on the rocks.

The sex and happiness connection

Last night I watched a program called "How to have sex after marriage". An attractive couple married for 5 years were on the program with their sexless and troubled relationship. After giving each other dismal ratings on attraction and affection they rated each other a one for sex. The 1 was out of 10. 70% of their previous sex was misionary position and the same lack luster routine. I know there are people who could quite happily live on beans and toast every day but not me.

Sex is critical to a relationship. It is important for bonding and feeling close to a person. Intimacy is not dividing up the household chores and talking about day to day activities. No wonder some people end up feeling they are just room mates. The two were caught in a downward spiral of becoming more and more unhappy and blaming each other while becoming more and more miserable. Eventually they stop making each other feel good.

Enter some one else to boost their ego. Showing the husband faked images of his wife cheating it made him realise just how bad things could be and awakened feelings of jealously. Jealously is a magic remedy some times for making people realise what they are taking for granted and showing them what is at stake.

The trick to saving their marriage was to get them having sex again and re-awakening what attracted them to each other in the first place.

This has also been back up with science just how powerful an affect sex can have on some one's life. In Money, sex and happiness; An epirical study the more sex a person has the happier they are.

How come the other women gets all the blame?

The Daily Mail's article "Why do we always blame the other woman when men have an affair?" asks a good question.

La perla clad evil temptresses love to show off thier bedroom arts as well as stretchmark free bodies in the company of successful, handsome and appreciative men. The ultimate appreciation is in him leaving his wife behind and becoming his trophey bride. Becoming the woman you've always wanted to be and marrying the man of your dreams. For a woman who has worked on her career, looks and social life she wants her counterpart an alpha male.

Death of Sisterhood

The newspaper The Daily Mail renowned for infuriating middle england with stories of maurading gangs, hooded youths, criminal migrants, benefit cheats, scroungers etc. has now alarming married women all over Britian with tales of single career women stalking their husbands. Apparently sisterhood is dead and married men are now fair game.

Of course I am generalising but... When people marry young they choose partners largely for their potential. Women give up work to raise kids while other women go off to pursue careers. Men don't have to choose between career and family in the way that women do. Call it a midlife crisis but something happens in later life and people re-examine their choices. People some times grow appart. At work it is more of a level playing field between men and women and friendships develop. I've also met the wives of many a handsome and charming executive and found them dumpy, frumpy and incapable of holding a conversation on any topic except their kids and Eastenders.

Last night I did 20 minutes on the rowing machine. Note to self: do more.

Numb

My jealous pang has eased off a bit. I think it was the whole couple thing with all weddings, anniversaries were an unwelcome reminder that it has been 6 years since my last boyfriend. To make matters worse my history of relationships has been crap. The last boyfriend was always saying, "I'm not in love with you, but you will do until somebody more my type comes into my life". It lasted 7 years. We saw each other at weekends when boredom would unite us. Sex was rare and equally boring.

There was only one serious relationship that could have seen me walking down the isle. That ended 20 years ago. He got into drugs and went as low as anyone could go. Cheated on me with strippers. Eventually he was stealing from friends, sleeping rough and knocked up a crack whore. Luckily I was long gone.

I wonder if that is what happens in a lot of relationships except not as extreme. One spouse moves up the scale and the other falls behind and gets fat.

Loverboy called at 11 pm last night drunk and in a bar. I noted that for 5 nights in a row he and his wife had conflicting plans each evening. Both of them work full time and clearly they don't spend much time with each other. He was getting ready to leave and wanted to know if he could stop by on the way home. "I have to see you", he said. "I have been thinking about you all day. I just want to see your face and hold you. God you sound sexy. "What are you wearing?".

He sounded disappointed when I said I was wearing just a pair of panties. "What no bra?" Bras don't feel comfortable as a sleeping garment. I was sleeping alone. I tried to explain but the bar was too noisy. He asked me to leave the hallway light on. I freshened myself up and checked that my home was tidy. I opened my lingere draw and slipped on a white baby doll top to match the panties. I went back to bed. He wouldn't be arriving for at least an hour and I am sure he would find away of waking me.

He loved the baby doll and in particular the panties. His colour is 'white' as he likes me to look pure and feminine. We kissed breifly before he pushed me back down on the bed and spread my legs. His fingers pushed my panties to one side as he fingered my clit and then slid his fingers in. Conversation was brief. He was here to pleasure me and make me moan. He reached into my toy box for my toys and started fucking me with one. He ordered me to get on all fours. I did as he asked knowing what would come next. He doesn't view fucking me with toys to be 'cheating' and it is also his fetish. I let out a moan as he inserted a large vibrator into my ass. I already had one in my pussy and being fucked by the two together was quite intense.

I came quite quickly. Instead of letting up he kept fucking me harder and faster varying his strokes and exploring my holes determined to make me come again and again. Occasionaly it became too intense and quite uncomfortable and I would let out a moan but mostly I moaned with pleasure. Wave after wave of pleasure. Mark loves playing with toys and was in his element.

After about an hour Talk about your previous relationships and make him feel a little bit of pain so he will think of them as rivals and try to prove himself superior.y had to go home to his wife and I was exhausted. Loverboy talked about wanting me to fuck him up the ass again but said it would have to wait for when he has more time. He didn't want to remove his clothes and go home with strange smells on him. This visit was all about me submitting myself to him.

I kept the conversation clear of my insecurities. Well I tried. I did make a comment about their 'romantic vacation'. The pictured of the bedroom cottage with its pretty thatched roof and four poster bed with beautiful white linen and sheer curtains blowing in the tropical breeze was stuck in my head. I've never been to a wedding. But I imagine that they are incredibly romantic and that romance is as infectious as sars. Everyone all talking about love, happiness with the champagne flowing and imaging a better future as a twosome.

"It is not a romantic vacation. We are only going because friends of ours are getting married." Sternly put words but, I reminded myself that he said just recently that he very much loves his wife. Just the day before he said again that he does not want to get divorced. How could he resist not getting swept up in the romance? They are the couple that everyone looks up to. You know the good looking, happy couple, ten years down the line with the beautiful home, great car and luxury lifestyle? They are living the dream. They have what everyone else wants.

It is exactly what I want minus the cheating husband.

When he left I felt numb. I am seeing him again tomorrow. We both have the day off. I sense his feelings for me are getting stronger while my heart is firmly encased in a protective shell.

Emotion?

I love it when a plan comes together. As soon as I arrived home I tidied up and ran the vacuum around. The scented candles were lit and I drew myself a nice hot bath adding some bathing salts. I love lying in the bath surrounded by my lotions and potions watching the steam rise up against the flickering candles. A glass of wine in the bath is marvelous.

I had a nice pampering session giving myself a facial, manicure, pedicure and skin treatment. The coconut and vanilla body lotion felt wonderful as it glided all over my body. I massaged it in slowly taking care around my pussy which was shaved completely as it tingled. Afterwwards I put on one of his favourite outfits and mine. I don't know what is about lingerie but I am addicted to dressing up for sex.

I went to bed to read from some of the books I purchased earlier. I let myself drift off to sleep a bit with the candles in the bedroom still lit. When I heard the key in the lock I laid still for him to come to me.

The sight that greeted him was met with approval. He told me how much he wanted to fall asleep with me in his arms. The sex was amazing. But what amazed me even more was how emotional and loving towards me he seemed. It would have been so nice to let myself go and fall in love. However firmly planted in my mind was that "He is a married man who will be going to home to his wife and their beautiful home. He is a liar, a cheater and a coward. Given the chance he would be just as disloyal to me. He is a dog. No matter what happens I deserve better."

I tried not to let him penatrate my heart and just focussed on our mutual pleasure. His image of being a good husband is nothing more than a sham.

Why men cheat

I know Mark loves his wife. I know they have a good marriage. He is the type of husband that any woman would dream of wanting for a husband. Their home is beautiful and warm. They are both successful and have an enviable lifestyle.

So why does he cheat?

Generally there are 3 reasons why men cheat.

1. They don't want to leave a relationship without the support of another person so choose to an exit affair. In this they sometimes want to get caught. The affair is their ticket out as well as validation they can still get some one else and support!
   
2. The marriage has broken down but they don't want to leave for reasons of children, financial and the hassle. It is an easy way to have their cake and eat it too. Often they have grown appart or she hasn't aged as well.
   
3. Boredom, sexual needs not being met and a crime of opportunity. This is the man who will lie, deny it and when faced with over whelming evidence will appologise profusely and say it is all a mistake but a year later will do it again. Once they get a taste for it they will do it again.

I think he is in the third group. He seems to regard this as temporary and fun thing. I know because he talks so fondly of his relationship with his wife and always uses the words us, we, ours etc. He seems happy being married.

While he is holding me in my arms telling me how much he cares for me, how gorgeous I am and how much he enjoys spending time I remind myself that this a man who loves his wife and who cheats.

Out of the three he is the worst kind.